I’ve spent a solid period of time in hibernation. My retreat into myself started in December, in the baking heat of summer, in the thick of storm season. I’m not your average bear, I guess. I had this notion that by now, I’d have broken free of my solitude bubble and find myself renewed, refreshed, revived. That my heart would have kick-started and taken me down another road.
Instead, I’ve found that some days I have poked my head out to test the waters and hastily retreated, while others I have forced my way out of the darkness and into the light. And while, in moments, I have been glad of the interaction, mostly I have returned home to feel burnt out, sad, emotional and just a little bit more broken.
I can’t recall a break up taking this much out of me. But of course, it’s not just the break up. It’s discovering my furry sidekick and soulmate has a cancer that won’t be beaten. Knowing my buddy and baby of seven years will soon be leaving me has just compounded the intricate layers of loss.
All of this has sideswiped me. This is the first time I have sat in front of my mackbook to write for me, in at least 5 months. For me, I mean. Not for work. I just started a new project for myself, which I hope will be cathartic. I’d like to find myself just a little more whole and a little more healed in a few months, after all. I started writing an account of how I am feeling emotionally, mentally and physically, whilst listening to Freya Ridings cover one of my all time favourite songs, ‘Maps’. What was in fact meant to be a journal entry if you will, evolved into a hybrid of fact and fiction, metaphors and similes.
And I recalled, I had started a similar albeit shorter attempt a couple of days ago, listening to Cub Sport’s new song ‘O Lord’. Holy wonderful.
My new writing project is to write out my thoughts, emotions, grief, whatever is plaguing me (or bouying me up) when I hear a song (or nominate one) that speaks to me. I’m looking forward to the results… I’d love to receive some song suggestions.