My first official confession

I’ve had an extremely emotional week. Rivers pouring down my face, heart heavy kind of emotional. A week of feeling inconsolable.

I was away from home for work. Which meant very little sleep. The trip was in some ways, enlightening. In that I realised I’m not using my skills or my time in a way I want. There’s been an overwhelming feeling of disheartenment in my day job. An ongoing moment of feeling like it means nothing and achieves nothing. It and I, feel stagnant. Hi, nice to meet you. I’m a classic  millennial searching for meaning. And the perfect avocado.

I’ve been battling extreme hormones. I swear they get worse the older I get. Just like hangovers. Yay? It’s meant tears at anything. Raging anger at anything (legitimately lost my shit when I opened my letterbox, whilst holding groceries and a bunch of junk mail flew out onto the ground. Do not mess with me mailbox droppers). It’s meant my skin being all over the shop. Of an aching and sore body.

It’s coincided with an important date in my heart/calendar. My dog’s birthday a.k.a. the anniversary of the date he came into my life. He passed last year. And I miss him all of the time. But I really missed him this day. This day I was away from home. Away from photos of him. Away from where I feel near him. Seven years of love with a special soul and this was the first time he wasn’t there to cuddle and love on. It’s a different kind of ache. Lonely.

I felt “fat” and cellulite-y. Unattractive. I felt like every wrinkle I feared would appear or hadn’t noticed was suddenly there, proudly sitting on display. On my face. I felt strong urges to cover my entire face in war paint (I fought the urge). I noticed what looks like a skin cancer abrasion (I should not have grown up in this country, I’m meant for grey skies and dark rooms). Which has added another layer of stress and fears about my future, and entirely about vanity, my face. It was not a good week for good vibes about myself. I’ve been working on myself for yeeeeears, to reach a point where I’m not hating on myself constantly, obsessing about food or where it will land on my body; to look at myself and speak to myself, with love and admiration.

I couldn’t eat the way I like to (hotel life, yo). My finances weren’t making me feel too inspired or safe (let’s not focus on the fact I’ve been distracting myself with retail therapy, takeaway etc). I was plagued by thoughts of my ex that just wouldn’t leave. Good, bad, everything thoughts.I felt like I took a hundred steps backward this week. Yes, a very “woe is me” week.

It culminated in feeling overwhelmed, sad and altogether hopeless. Anxiety walked in and made himself at home. I felt pain, everywhere. I felt lost. I couldn’t make sense of anything or find a way to believe “this is temporary”.

I felt convinced I’d never find the passion or the purpose or the project I’ve been seeking, that’ll help me find the sense of meaning I need to draw from this fleeting and random life. I also frustratingly, dipped into self-involved thoughts about never finding that elusive person to love honestly and openly, who’d love me for me. A someone who might come to know the parts of me that aren’t polished, pretty, inspiring or even remotely great, but still choose a life with me. Funny, because I’m not sure I believe that there is one person, anymore.

I felt unlovable in a way I haven’t felt unlovable in a while. So I tried something that doesn’t come easily. I told two people how I was feeling over text – about my fears about the horrible parts of my personality, about my un-lovability and how I feared I would always be alone.

(Side note: I’ve always kept this stuff and my anxiety to myself and “suffered in silence”. It’s shit. For everyone. The people that love you want to know how to get in, crack through and help, even if that means sitting with you in silence, but at least partially understanding. And it sucks for you, because you feel alone and misunderstood and sometimes, you just want someone to sit with you, partially understanding it.)

Anyway, these two people, who know me in very different ways, shared some beautiful words with me, about me. Told me who I am to them. Told me how the person I am, and how I am in the world, makes them feel. What they believe I deserve in life, and what I deserve from anyone I give my time and energy and emotions to. They reminded me that all is not lost, I am not unlovable, nor am I alone (because my gahd, I’ve been feeling alone and lonely). Those words blew me away. They definitely made me cry. It wasn’t an instantaneous shift to my state of mind, but it sowed the seed.

And it reminded me, the beauty in sharing. Of letting people know you’re not feeling ok (even if it’s fleeting). Of being vulnerable enough to let someone know you need a lift, a cheerleader, some kindness, because you’re incapable of giving it to yourself. It’s astonishing to learn how other people see you. In ways you rarely (if ever) see yourself.

It filled me with a glow. And it got me thinking, about my relationship with myself needing a tune up. About spreading kindness, for kindness’ sake. Of learning more compassion. Of a deeper understanding of the struggles of those around me. Of reminding women, in particular, of their magic and power. Or letting them know in the first instance that they deserve better than they’re given, “allowed”, or accepting. It’s time to create more magic. Develop a community of people who are there to build each other up; a community of people who won’t accept leaving people behind or putting them down. I want people to know that the parts of themselves they struggle to love, are often what others adore about them.

I’d love for you to join me in this little project of positivity. I don’t know what it looks like just yet, or how it’ll evolve. But I want you, to tell someone in your life, how you see them. The real them. The good bits and the shit bits and tell them you still think they’re magical. And worth it. And that they’re loved. And if you can’t, tell me the things you wish you could say, or the things you wish someone would say to you. Let’s be the kindness and the magic.

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